The only funny line is spoken by a captive warlock (Joseph Gilgun), who tells the members of the Society’s “witch council” that they resemble a bad ’80s rock band (he’s right). Too bad the film, directed by Breck Eisner (“The Crazies,” “Sahara”), is already dead. Apparently, some “14th-level warlock” (a bearish Olafur Darri Olafsson) is endeavoring to bring the witch queen back to life. When Dolan 36 dies unexpectedly, he is replaced by Dolan 37 (Frodo himself, Elijah Wood).

Kaulder’s “handler and confessor” is the 36th priest named Dolan (Michael Caine, recycling his Alfred). At one point in the present time, when Kaulder, who is immortal, drives a Bond-approved Aston-Martin and fights witches for a secret Roman Catholic Society called the Axe and the Cross, meets modern-day witch Chloe (Rose Leslie,“Game of Thrones” and “Downton Abbey”), she complains about witches being “burned at the stake in Salem.” They weren’t, Chloe. Apparently, it was she who unleashed the Black Death upon humanity in the form of a cloud of “plague flies.”īut I wouldn’t put too much faith in any of the information in this screenplay attributed to Cory Goodman (“Priest”), Matt Sazama (“Dracula Untold”) and Burk Sharpless (“Dracula Untold”). “The Last Witch Hunter” begins 800 years ago at a time when all warriors apparently looked like the cast of the History Channel’s “The Vikings.” Diesel’s flaming-sword wielding warrior Kaulder is a witch hunter, skewering the minions of the “queen witch” like they are so many spicy kielbasas in the scary-looking giant tree in which she lives (Don’t ask me). If the second one is as terrible as this first film, I curse the descendants of those involved to drive Volkswagen Jetta diesels for all eternity. There is even a “Witch Hunter” sequel in development, I am told.īut just wait a minute. So now Vin Diesel makes Nic Cage movies? “The Last Witch Hunter,” not to be confused with Cage’s 2011 effort “Season of the Witch,” is clearly meant to be the beginning of another franchise for Diesel, the man who leads the “family” in the hit “Fast & Furious” series.

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